*You can read the previous post in this series here.
As Jon and I met with former members of City Church and listened to their stories of oppression, I was referred a marital abuse case from the leadership of Redemption Church. The case was complicated and involved long-time members with deep roots in the church and community. There was a history of volatility in the couple’s relationship, and they’d seen another counselor for marriage counseling. This counselor pointed out the husband’s “oppression and suppression” of his wife’s personhood and voice, yet the word “abuse” was never applied to their marital dynamics. One day the wife stumbled across a copy of Chris Moles’[1] book on domestic violence and immediately felt “This book explains my whole marriage!” She then gathered her courage to go before the pastoral staff and bring an accusation of abuse against her husband. She presented Chris Moles’ book, the marriage counselor’s assessment of her husband, and her own experiences as evidence. The pastors not only believed her but helped her separate from her husband and sought counselors for both husband and wife.
That’s where I came into the picture. When the abused wife sat in my office and explained that the leadership not only believed her, but sought to help and protect, I was both surprised and grateful. I’d never personally witnessed leadership taking accusations of abuse seriously, let alone being willing to enter the mess. Since abusive relationships are complex and confusing, the pastoral staff quickly found themselves out of their depth and to my surprise, sought my counsel and the counsel of my husband. The pastor explained that Redemption Church “has historically not protected women and we aim to change that.” I was encouraged by his honesty and the willingness of the leadership to repent of not protecting the vulnerable among them. When I asked if the church had a stated policy on how to handle abuse situations, he acknowledged that Redemption Church had no policy for handling abusive marriages, and then went further: “We will need your help with creating that.” This pastor cared deeply for both the abused wife and her abusive husband. The pastor met weekly with the abusive husband to provide accountability yet found himself perpetually caught in circular arguments. Jon and I offered guidance on how to step out of the “crazy-making,” and the pastor not only received our counsel but acted on it. Repeatedly I was encouraged by how the senior pastor humbly received counsel and actively sought to love both the abused and the abuser.
As the abusive husband struggled to honor good-faith boundaries of communication and contact with his wife and family, I proposed that the couple write up and sign a non-legally binding Separation Agreement to provide necessary accountability and structure to this period of separation. The pastoral staff supported and reinforced the agreement along with my proposal of expanding the care team surrounding the family. As often happens in these cases, the abusive husband put on an initial show of honoring boundaries and issuing apologies. I found myself in multiple meetings educating and helping leadership understand signs of genuine repentance in an abusive individual. Eventually, the husband showed his true colors to such an extent that his wife, myself, and the senior pastor feared for her safety and advised that she consider a protection order and legal separation. The abusive husband, in a fit of rage, then spread the lie that the senior pastor was to blame for the downfall of his marriage and the ensuing separation. Naturally, this deceptive and divisive behavior on the part of the abusive husband concerned the pastoral leadership. Measures were taken to correct the abuser’s false narrative and hold him accountable.
Meanwhile, the abused wife feared her husband would fight the protection order, so she gathered witnesses to testify against him in court. Not only did the pastoral staff agree to bear witness, a retired judge and member of Redemption Church advised the abused woman on how to put together her case. At the same time, multiple men in the church, some part of the established care team for the family and others not, appealed to the conscience of the abusive husband, seeking his good out of love for him, praying for the Lord to turn his heart of stone to a heart of flesh.
During this whole process, the senior pastor invited the abused wife to comment on how well the pastoral staff supported her. She continually thanked him for their support and then graciously offered feedback on how they could do better. The pastor received her feedback with grace and kindness, admitting he had much to learn. He even asked what more he could do to support her, and she responded by requesting that he exhort the elder board to seek further education regarding abuse and develop a church policy for handling abuse cases. The senior pastor replied, “I will buy copies of Chris Moles’ book Caring for Families Caught in Domestic Abuse for the entire elder board and ask that they read it, and I will read it myself.” I continue to be amazed at all Christ is doing at Redemption Church to shed light on the darkness of abuse, bring accountability and mercy to the abuser, and help and support to the abused wife.
My experiences with the pastoral staff at Redemption Church reminded me that in the midst of so much corruption in the wider American Church, God is working through genuine shepherds to “bind up the injured, strengthen the weak, and feed justice to the strong.” Churches who face their failures, repent, and seek change and renewal will create safe spaces for wounded sheep to find Christ-centered care and help.
Reflection
- How do good shepherds respond to feedback and criticism?
- How do good shepherds show they have genuinely listened to the sheep under their care?
- How do good shepherds equip the sheep to express their gifts for the benefit of the whole?
* You can read other posts in this series here.
[1] Chris Moles is a pastor, biblical counselor and abuse expert with many years of experience helping churches and families face the evil of domestic violence. http://www.chrismoles.org
Pursued 