Ah! You shepherds . . . who have been feeding yourselves!
Should not Shepherds feed their sheep?
–Ezekiel 34:2
*You can read the previous post here.
During our seminary years under good shepherds, Jon and I had some sense that not all pastors and church leaders humbly love and care for their flocks. We’d heard stories of fallen pastors and read the Ezekiel 34 passage about the shepherds of Israel who used and abused the sheep for their own ends. Yet the reality of false shepherds seemed far removed from our own experiences at the time. The words “narcissism” and “pastor” hadn’t even come close to being used in the same sentence in our social circles or personal reading. We naively viewed most church leaders as being “a notch above the rest” in terms of maturity, morality, and Christ-like character. Biblically speaking, pastors and church leaders should be men and women of mature moral character, but neither morality nor maturity makes one Christian superior over another. Shepherds are called to serve from a position of humility, seeing their maturity and position as both a gift from God and a weighty responsibility. Yet, human shepherds are often tempted to think themselves better than others because of the “divine calling” they wrongly believe makes them more “special,” and, therefore, superior to others in the church.
As a pastor’s kid myself, I grew up believing my parent’s frequent proclamation: “Our family is more mature, loving, and Godly than most people.” Those from the outside would have seen a good-looking, well-behaved, theologically educated family that refrained from public boasting, yet in private thought they were so much better than everyone else. Any questioning of our public image was interpreted as a direct assault on our family superiority. Behind closed doors, my parents labeled anyone who questioned their actions or intentions “liars and gossips.” I never knew what the lies were, and since I was conditioned to affirm my parents view of themselves as always right, I simply believed them. As the oldest daughter in the family and connection-oriented by nature, it was my responsibility to reinforce our collective holier-than-thou image in private and public. I filled this implicitly assigned role in a variety of ways—from planning family get-togethers and parties, to operating as the voice of my parents to my “disobedient” siblings, to both privately and publicly praising my parents as the “most wonderful Christian parents in the world.” It wasn’t until much later in life that I began to see how my parents used my relational abilities to feed their desire to be seen as a spiritually superior family.
Defining Narcissism Biblically
Now, having lived more than twenty-five years away from my family of origin, I realize our relational dynamics and superiority complex map onto those of a narcissistic family system[1]. The tell-tale sign of a narcissistic family is that parents use the children for their own ends. Rather than care for the emotional, spiritual, and developmental needs of their children, parents in a narcissistic family use the children to feed their egos and prove their worth. Biblically, narcissism is less about behaviors and words and more about motive—why and how a person chooses to do (or not do) say (or not say) certain things (I Samuel 16:7). For example, parents can feed, clothe, and educate their children for the child’s ultimate good, or to make themselves look good. Discerning the difference in heart motive involves the surrounding context in which the words and behaviors take place, which is why it’s impossible to discern narcissism by merely looking at surface presentation. Narcissism reaches deeper than externals.
Narcissism is pervasive pride that manifests in self-importance, entitlement, lack of empathy, lack of humility, envy, and the exploitation of others. Biblical synonyms for the pervasive pride that characterizes narcissism include insolence (Psalm 94:4; Isaiah 10:12); presumptuousness (Prov. 13:10; Genesis 11:4); arrogance (I Sam 2:3; Psalm 31:18); high-mindedness (Rom. 12:3, Obadiah 1:3); and haughtiness (Rom 12:16; Prov. 18:12). Proverbs identifies a person characterized by arrogant entitlement as a “mocker” (9:7-8) and warns that anyone who corrects a mocker invites insults, abuse, and hate. Therefore, the word “mocker” closely maps onto our modern-day characterization of a self-centered narcissist who loves only himself. The New Testament expands this characterization to include the religious narcissist who is a lover of self, lover of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, heartless, ungrateful, slanderous, brutal, swollen with conceit—having an appearance of godliness, yet denying it’s power (2 Timothy 3:1-5, NIV). In other words, the religious narcissist maintains an image of “godliness” yet worships himself. When I use the terms “narcissism” or “narcissistic” to describe false shepherds and churches, my understanding of those categories is rooted biblically, not clinically.
In both personal and professional settings, I’ve found categories like narcissism helpful in describing clusters of symptoms and patterns of behavior. For those stuck in systems and relationships characterized by high levels of narcissism, having a way to categorize their experiences provides necessary clarity. However, I do not think it wise, fair, or kind to run around labeling people with psychological categories. As Dr. Eric Johnson says, “Such labeling is dehumanizing, alienating, and self-righteous.”[2] Categories like narcissism are helpful tools but are not ends in themselves and should never be used to condemn another human being in private conversation or on social media platforms. At the same time, categories like narcissism attempt to make sense of real-life experiences and serve as “entry gates” into understanding a person’s life and suffering.
Root Cause of Narcissism
The root of narcissism is found in Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve listened to Satan’s deceptive promise that they too could be like God if they defied his command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Satan’s deception appealed to the root of narcissism that lies in every human heart—the desire to be superior, to be like God. As humans, we were created weak and dependent on God and others. To seek superiority is essentially to reject our own humanity. In a lecture years ago, one of my counseling professors said, “The goal of life is to become more human,”[3] the type of human we were originally designed to be—dependent on God for everything. When we humans seek to defy our humanity by proving ourselves a “notch above the rest,” we become distorted shadows of who we were meant to be. We lose sight of the truth that our worth is found not in proving our superiority, but in simply belonging to the Good Shepherd. The more consumed we become with proving our value apart from Jesus, the more divorced we are from our true human selves. Tragically, the more entrenched a false shepherd’s belief that he must prove his worth, the more prone he is to oppress others as he asserts himself over them.
In his sermon “Justified by Faith”[4] pastor Tim Keller describes how every human seeks to prove his worth based on some sort of “performance record.” For pastors and ministry leaders, that performance record might be praiseworthy sermons, large congregations, or being loved and respected by their congregants. For others, that performance record might be athletic accomplishments, good grades in school, charitable donations, a large stock portfolio, successful children, or missions work. Keller illustrates how humans run around flashing these performance records to justify their existence by telling the story of Harold Abrahams, an Olympic-bound runner in the movie Chariots of Fire. Abrahams, when asked why he trains so hard, responds: “When that gun goes off, I have ten seconds to justify my existence.” Keller translates the meaning behind Abraham’s statement like this: “You know, I want to know that I am justified being here. I want to know that my life is worth something. I want to know that my life counts. I want to know that I’m a person worthy to be known and accepted, and the way I’m doing that, the way I’m convincing myself and other people that my existence is justified, is that I’m going to be a gold medal runner.” Just like Abrahams, shepherds and sheep are tempted to justify their existence on their own merit. Narcissistic shepherds pad their performance record with power, position, and the praise of men. The more power, the higher the position, the greater the praise, the more justified—superior—false shepherds feel in comparison to others.
A few years ago, in a a rare moment of vulnerability, a pastor’s wife expressed to me that her “Greatest fear of all is that I am only average, just normal like everyone else.” Her raw confession captures the root of narcissism—a fear of being found out as not all that significant, just one among billions of limited human beings. As my husband often says, “Even the richest, most talented guy on the planet still uses the toilet and will eventually die and be forgotten on earth.” Each of us, whether we acknowledge God or not, has a conscience that gives testimony to our averageness—the reality that none of us is all that special apart from Jesus. Our performance records are never enough to justify ourselves and prove our worth. Individuals with high levels of narcissism resist the reality of their smallness by engaging in hyper critical, competitive, and condescending attitudes and behaviors towards others. They fear someone outshining, replacing, or seeing through their facade of superiority. This fear of being seen as “less-than” leads to paranoia regarding the motives of others, and narcissistic shepherds live in constant fear of other sheep stealing their position, power, or praise. Narcissistic paranoia distorts the gifts and abilities of other sheep as potential threats, which then births a life dominated by self-protective attitudes and behaviors.
Reflection
As you fill in your timeline, reflect on the categories of humanness and narcissism.
- How did you process this statement: “The goal of life is to become more human, the kind of human we were meant to be—dependent on God for everything”?
- How was the biblical reframing of ‘narcissism’ helpful in processing your own story of church trauma? What features of narcissism do you see laced throughout your story?
*You can find the rest of the posts in this series here.
[1] In their book, The Narcissistic Family, therapists Donaldson and Donaldson-Pressman assert that from the outside, narcissistic family systems: “[Look normal], even upon close inspection . . . The problem was that the children were expected to meet the parent’s needs. It was subtle, it looked healthy, but it was not . . . the needs of the parent system [were] paramount” (15). Similarly, in the context of narcissistic church families, the sheep exist to meet the desires of the shepherds. The opinions and emotions of the sheep are suppressed in favor of the opinions and feelings of the shepherds.
[2] Johnson, Eric and Watson, Warren. “Still Saints: Caring for Christians with Personality Disorders.” Desiringgod.org. January 13, 2019. 4/23/2023.
[3] Human Personality, Course Lecture. Dr. Ed Welch. Christian Counseling Education Foundation.
[4] Keller, Tim. “Justified by Faith.” Sermon transcript, Dec. 21st, 2015. http://reformedevangelist.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-transcription-of-tim-kellers_21.html. Accessed July 1st, 2023.
Pursued 