*You can read the previous post in this series here.
When wounded sheep choose to re-enter a church setting, fear, hesitation, and emotional overwhelm are natural, human responses. Depending on the degree and type of harm experienced, the building, certain words and phrases, songs, and other specifics unique to the person’s church trauma can trigger a flood of emotion. It’s not uncommon for traumatized sheep to retreat behind a shield of self-protective caution to ward off future harm. One client described her experience of re-engaging church and listening to a new pastor preach in this way: “I’m listening to the sermon and in the back of my head when he says one of those words that the pastor at my last church used all the time to shut us up, I’m thinking ‘Oh, I got your number now! I know what you really mean when you use that word grace. You can’t fool me!’” Cynicism becomes a shield that protects from future hurt, and it’s common for sheep to struggle to trust new leaders actually mean what they say.
Wounded sheep also describe running into leaders and friends from the church(s) who rejected and harmed them in everyday settings like Target, the post office, or the mall. A racing heart, sweaty palms, and the desire to avoid all contact with those who did harm is a normal reaction after the experience of church trauma. One client described running into friends-turned-enemies from her previous church like this: “My husband and I saw old friends from church when we were out shopping at the grocery store. If we kept walking the direction we were headed, we’d have run into them in the meat section. I looked at my husband and asked ‘So do you want to keep walking and risk the awkwardness or do you want to go down the bread aisle?’” Her husband responded: “I choose bread.” Choosing bread, that is, choosing to avoid the pain of being ignored, rejected, or judged yet again, makes human sense. Why put yourself in harm’s way when you don’t have to? Sometimes stepping away from contact with those who hurt you is wise, especially if you feel emotionally vulnerable. In some situations choosing to not engage those who harmed you is necessary for your protection and safety. At the same time, Christ offers to free wounded sheep from fearful avoidance and renew their confidence and trust in his protection.
To wounded sheep:
Learning to trust Jesus as your safe place is the way through hypervigilant fear. Jesus, unlike the false shepherds who harmed you, will never forsake you, turn against you, or attack and demean you. Jesus promises that he will “seek out his sheep and rescue them from all the places they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness” (Ezekiel 34: 12). He promises to deliver you from abuse at the hands of false shepherds because “you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God” (Ezekiel 34:31). In time, Jesus will lift the thick darkness of oppression by making you lie down to rest in green meadows (Psalm 23), quieting you with his presence, and leading you beside quiet streams.
As you seek Jesus as your refuge, caring for your traumatized body is essential. The memory of the trauma you experienced lodges in your body–it takes time for your nervous system to recognize that you are safe and no longer in danger (emotional, spiritual, etc.). Engaging your five senses through God’s creation–viewing or creating art, a walk in the park, coloring, baking, cuddling puppies–helps remind your body of Jesus’ beauty and nearness. Another means of grace to calm your body and mind is incorporating deep breathing with Scripture. For those who experienced false shepherds threatening them with specific biblical passages, you may need to be cautious with how soon you engage Scripture and in what manner. Sometimes music laced with biblical truth can be a helpful first step. When you feel ready, Breath as Prayer[1] by Jennifer Tucker is an excellent resource that guides you through blending breathing techniques with Scriptural truths. You may also find it helpful to take a psalm or passage of scripture and personalize it. During my own journey through church trauma, Psalm 91 became a precious reminder that I belong to Jesus and can trust that he is with me no matter what I feel in the moment.
Because Rebecca holds fast to me in love,
I will deliver her.
I will protect her because she knows I am her Good Shepherd.
When she calls to me, I will answer her.
I will be with her in trouble;
I will rescue her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.
–Psalm 91: 14-16.
As Jesus becomes your safe place in triggered moments, you grow in choosing rest and trust over rumination and avoidance. Re-engaging church and taking new relational risks slowly feels less threatening because you trust that no matter the outcome, Jesus is still good and is up to good in his church.
To Helpers:
Engage the questions and concerns of wounded sheep, and don’t take their suspicion and distrust personally. Allow space and time for them to re-engage in the church context. Not long ago I read a 9 Marks article that called “sporadic” church attenders “toxic”[2] and another article asserted, “One thing we can assume about the Christian who regularly attends church but does not join is that his or her view of the Christian life is defective somewhere.”[3] Assuming that individuals who struggle with attendance and membership are “defective” and “toxic” is toxic, not to mention ignorant and narrow-minded. If you pressure wounded sheep to attend church too often, too soon you remind them of the false shepherds they just experienced. Wounded sheep struggle to trust new leadership for legitimate reasons. Draw near to listen—not correct—and simply understand their experiences. Meet them in safe spaces in their own life contexts rather than expect them to come to you. Trust takes time to build, and your patience and tenderness will go a long way in showing sheep the gentle nature of our True Shepherd. The more consistently they experience your genuine patience, the safer they will feel, and the more their defenses will lower.
*You can read more posts in this series here.
[1] Tucker, Jennifer. Breath as Prayer.
[2] Schumucker, Matt. Those Toxic Non-Attenders. 2/25/2010. https://www.9marks.org/article/those-toxic-non-attenders/ Accessed 6/19/2023.
[3] Anyabwile, Thabiti. Moving Attenders to Members. 4/28/2011. https://www.9marks.org/article/journalmoving-attenders-members/ Accessed 6/19/2023.
Pursued 