For Jon and I, our experiences of suppression and oppression at the hands of false shepherds began after his seminary graduation in 2007. After seminary Jon had no desire to preach from a pulpit, and discipleship pastor positions were rare and involved more admin than people work (which sounded like pure torture for my relationally oriented husband). His solution: get a ‘regular’ job in the Midwest near family, find a church, plant roots, and grow organically with the people. So, to that end, we visited a Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) church in our area.
Why Sovereign Grace? Back in 2007, the head of SGM, CJ Mahaney, was well-respected within the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) and endorsed by many of the Reformed big guys at the time like Al Mohler, Mark Dever, and John Piper. We trusted their judgment partly because we were shaped by the authoritarian, leadership-oriented culture of the SBC and partly because we were green to the reality that just because a person holds a position does not mean he is wise or discerning regarding the motives of the human heart.
During seminary we also sat around a friend’s kitchen table as a future 9 Marks pastor spoke with admiration about Mahaney’s character and family. Jon and I longed for spiritual family, connection and belonging—something we didn’t have in our families of origin, and on the surface, Sovereign Grace appeared to emphasize all those things. So, we thought—why not Sovereign Grace? But the moment we walked through that church door, I was bombarded with questions about my family of origin and my choice to homeschool our three-year-old. As a second-generation homeschooler, I was welcomed as a kind of poster child for successful homeschool parenting and drilled by some of the women with questions like “What percentage of the day did your mom spend on Bible and what percentage of the day was spent on character?” These women appeared eager to re-produce whatever formula my parents lived by that resulted in their daughter following in their homeschool footsteps yet showed little interest in who I was. When my three-year-old’s ability to sit through a two-hour church service somehow earned me ‘Godly mother status’ and an invitation to teach at their new homeschool co-op—never mind the fact that my son clung to me in the back row because he was highly anxious and fearful by nature—I said to my husband, “They want me to teach their kids and know absolutely nothing of my character. Something isn’t right about that!” Meanwhile, my public-schooled, seminary educated husband was largely ignored.
In a variety of church contexts, from small group meetings to conversations over coffee, we experienced members of this Sovereign Grace church measure spiritual depth and health by quiet, subdued kids, charismatic expressions of worship, and a woman’s ability to submit to her husband and satisfy him sexually. Individuals who fit that mold were deemed “humble and Christ-like.” Parents disciplined their children with canned, oft-repeated phrases like “prefer others” and “God loves a humble and contrite heart.” Church members frequently downplayed their gifts and abilities while in a smug manner and tone elevating themselves as humble and submissive ‘nobodies.’ The contradiction between humble language and prideful attitude felt dishonest and self-deceived. As C.S. Lewis says, “Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him.”[1] Concerned with the lack of emphasis on heart motives and unsettled by the over-emphasis on external behavior, homeschooling, and gender roles, we left without becoming members and chalked up the whole experiences as a puzzling one-off.
In hindsight, our experience with SGM illustrated how we humans are prone to shaping church according to our own desires. Our local SGM church along with the wider organization communicated in a variety of ways that Christians create ‘superior’ families by homeschooling their kids, reading Spurgeon, and teaching their daughters to dress modestly and their wives to submit to their husbands. That is, the “SGM Kingdom” centered around producing “Humble, Homeschooling, Male-ruling Families.” Eventually, God brought the entire “kingdom” of SGM down through exposing a litany of child sex abuse cover-ups.[2] Child sex abuse happening within the ‘perfect’ homes of SGM members didn’t fit with the kingdom image. Leaders within SGM covered up the evil of child sex abuse to preserve and maintain SGM. Wounded, abused sheep were the collateral damage.
As a counselor I see many devastated mothers who bought the lie that homeschooling and teaching their kids to “Love God and prefer others” could ensure perfect families. When it didn’t, their lives fell apart. The process of helping these women untangle their self-worth from their families and re-orient their lives around Christ is long and difficult. Tearing down faulty kingdom allegiances and rebuilding them around Christ is a core feature of the Christian life—we all, like SGM leaders—are prone to making something other than Christ our everything. As Ed Welch says, “The central question in all of life is Who will I worship? Who will I bow to?”[3] The result of crafting churches according to our own desires is often the destruction of the very thing we thought could save us. God promises he will shatter every human kingdom (Daniel 2:44), so is it any wonder when our little church kingdoms crumble to dust?
Reflection
- What part of this story resonates with your own? Perhaps you aren’t tempted to build your kingdom around homeschooling but some other kingdom like sports, private school, classical education or_____________?
- What do you think about Ed Welch’s statement that the central question of all of life is “Who will I worship?” That is, who (or what) will secure your ultimate allegiance, and therefore, become the object of your worship? Have you considered that all of life comes down to this basic question? What push-back or questions might you have in response to this? What affirmations might you have in response to this?
You can find other posts in this series here.
[1] Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity. page 128.
[2] The Sex-Abuse Scandal that Devastated a Suburban Mega-Church. The Washingtonian. Feb 14, 2016. https://www.washingtonian.com/2016/02/14/the-sex-abuse-scandal-that-devastated-a-suburban-megachurch-sovereign-grace-ministries/
[3] Welch, Ed. Crossroads: A Step-by-Step Guide Away from Addiction. New Growth Press, 2008. (page 9).
Pursued 