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As we healed from our experience at the Bible church, I wrestled with “what next?” and delved into researching narcissistic abuse, which best described our more extreme experiences with false shepherds. One thing that puzzled me about our experience at the Bible church was the intensity of the pastor’s hatred towards us in our “exit meeting.” We hardly saw the man while attending the church. Other than the handful of Jon’s coffee meetings with him, along with the two times we invited him and his wife into our home, we rarely interacted. If Jon and I were forceful, argumentative personalities or take-over types, his anger might make more sense. He might have seen us as a threat to his position in some way. But we never pursued formal leadership positions and simply served by inviting people into our home for meals and caring for them through small group interactions and one-on-one meetings. So just where did the intensity of the pastor’s hatred come from? I found this definition from Simple Psychology helpful in describing the pastor’s anger during the meeting:
Narcissistic rage is a malicious, out-of-control, type of anger that seeks revenge and destruction by any means possible. This rage is often disproportionate and out of place as it can be caused by even minor or unintentional provocation. If narcissists feel their pride has been wounded in some way, they feel entitled to destroy their victim psychologically and/or physically.[1]
According to this definition, the “minor and unintentional” provocation that triggered the pastor’s rage was our choice to leave the church. Jon and I weren’t swimming towards his island, and he took it personally. He then felt the need to psychologically and spiritually obliterate us to assuage his wounded pride. On one level that sounds a bit insane, but as counselor David Powlison says, “Sin is a kind of madness.” Pride is listed as one of the “seven things the Lord hates” (Proverbs 6:6-19) because it defies God and leads to abusing others. Pride says: “I know, I define reality.” From the position of superior know-it-all, the prideful person elevates himself as judge and ruler over anyone who challenges him. In church settings, this type of wounded rage generally takes a more passive-aggressive form where the prideful person seeks to destroy the character of whoever wounded his ego (secular sources call this wounding a ‘narcissistic injury’). Since the intent to destroy is communicated through manipulative expressions of anger and words, not, generally speaking, a physically out-of-control temper tantrum, the victim of this kind of wrath struggles to explain her experience.
As a biblical counselor, my next question is “Where do I see narcissistic rage in Scripture?” This type of rage is seen throughout the Old Testament narratives when the power and control of bad kings, queens, and leaders is threatened by opposition. The stories of Absalom’s rage-filled attempt to kill his own father, King David, to secure his throne (2 Samuel), and Queen Jezebel’s plot to kill Naboth in order to steal his vineyard (1 Kings) capture destructive rage being leveraged to maintain power and control over others. Narcissistic rage is also seen in the New Testament through King Herod and his annihilation of all two-year-old babies to protect his power and position, and in the Pharisees who bribed Judas to betray Jesus to his death. Many of the scriptural narratives tell the story of power-hungry leaders seeking to destroy those who oppose them or question their superiority.
One story that clearly highlights the dynamics of narcissistic rage is that of Haman in the book of Esther. Esther, a Jew being held captive in Assyria, is raised by her Uncle Mordecai, a God-fearing man who works at the gates of King Xerxes’ palace. After banishing his first wife from the kingdom, King Xerxes chooses Esther as his new bride and marries her. Soon after his marriage, Xerxes elevates a man named Haman to the highest position in his kingdom and commands that everyone bow to Haman whenever he approaches. Haman walks by Mordecai working at the palace gate every day. Every day Mordecai refuses to bow because his allegiance is to God, not Haman. When Haman sees Mordecai refuse to bow, he becomes enraged and looks for a way to kill not only Mordecai, but the entire Jewish race. Haman, his ego pricked by one lowly, captive Jew, feels entitled to destroy Mordecai and everyone who believes as he does. Mordecai’s refusal to bow seems a minor provocation, but to a man with high levels of narcissism, any perceived ego slight is on par with a declaration of war. Haman must “win at all costs” to preserve his pride and superiority over Mordecai.
To “win” over Mordecai, Haman goes to King Xerxes and without mentioning Mordecai specifically, or even the Jews generally, slyly says, “There is a certain foreign people in your kingdom who do not obey the king’s laws and customs; it is not in your best interest to tolerate them. So, if it pleases the king, let a decree be issued to destroy them, and I will give ten thousand talents of silver for the royal treasury” (Esther 3:8-9, my paraphrase). The King rejects the bribe but falls for Haman’s flattery and deceit and gives him permission to do whatever he wants with this “certain people.” Haman immediately writes up an official decree that instructs all Assyrians to “destroy, kill, and annihilate” their Jewish neighbors on a specific day and take their possessions for themselves. Haman, his pride wounded by one Jew refusing to bow before him, becomes inhuman—mad—in his attempt to exact revenge. He will not be satisfied until Mordecai and all he holds dear is taken from him and destroyed.
Mordecai rips his clothes, fasts, and prays when he hears of Haman’s murderous edict. News of the edict reaches Esther, and she is called upon to approach the King and plead for the lives of her people. To go before the King without his express summons is dangerous and could result in death. Esther asks her people to fast and pray, then boldly enters the King’s throne room and shrewdly asks that he and Haman come to a meal specially prepared for them. The King, delighted to see his wife, agrees to her request. Haman attends this first of three banquets with the queen, and leaves feeling pretty good about himself (after all, he was the only noble asked to the banquet) until he walks past Mordecai at the gate and observes that he neither bows nor “shows fear” in his presence. Mordecai’s refusal to fear Haman more than God, triggers Haman’s wrath, yet he restrains himself and goes home to a gathering of family and friends. The knowledge that Mordecai will soon be dead isn’t enough to assuage Haman’s wounded pride.
At the home gathering, Haman boasts about his superior position, many sons, wealth, and even the fact that he alone of the nobles was invited to Queen Esther’s banquet. Yet after giving this self-glorifying speech, he admits, “All this gives me no satisfaction as long as I see that Jew Mordecai sitting at the king’s gate” (Esther 5:13). Haman’s pride is so large that the mere thought of Mordecai refusing to acknowledge his greatness triggers a rage so intense that Haman is willing to commit murder and annihilate an entire race of people. Modern-day narcissists, especially those in the church, don’t have the option to manipulate a powerful king into outright murder. But they do use their position and power to emotionally, mentally, spiritually (and sometimes financially) destroy the character of anyone who dares think they aren’t as great as they’d like to believe. Ultimately, a glory-seeking narcissist, like Haman, competes with God for ‘first place’ in the eyes of others.
Haman’s wife comes up with a grand solution to bring about Mordecai’s elimination in a timelier and more satisfying manner—build a gallows on their front lawn. This idea pleases Haman so much he gets the gallows built overnight. Haman’s anger at Mordecai’s refusal to worship him as the most superior human in the land will not be satiated until he gets the pleasure of hanging Mordecai on his front lawn for all to see. On some level it’s hard to believe a human heart could go this far to destroy a lowly man who simply refused to bow. This is the dark reality of sin and evil. Haman’s anger isn’t really about Mordecai—it’s about the reality that as a human being he has limited power and control and will inevitably return to dust. All delusions of superiority end at death. Haman, rather than simply accept that he isn’t all that superior, seeks to destroy Mordecai and use his public destruction to proclaim this message: “Bow to me, or else!”
Anyone who dares challenge a false shepherd’s delusions of superiority creates what Jon and I have dubbed the “Mordecai Effect.” That is, authentic Christians who maintain allegiance to Christ trigger a false shepherd’s fragile ego just as Mordecai did when he refused to bow to Haman. When lowly sheep refuse to submit to a false shepherd’s prideful demands, they unintentionally trigger a narcissistic rage that then seeks to destroy—hang—the threat to their superiority. Our coffee-shop meeting with the Bible Church pastor was a verbal “hanging.” That is, he attempted to “hang” us by discrediting our character and theology and demeaning our human dignity through his harsh tone and condescending manner. Narcissistic pastors like him employ various power and control tactics—silencing questions, controlling the narrative, sowing doubt and confusion, shunning, slander, and excommunication—to “hang” anyone who exposes their weaknesses or fails to acknowledge their superiority.
The closing chapter of the book of Esther illustrates the futility of clinging to our delusions of superiority. In Haman’s final banquet with the king and queen, Esther exposes Haman’s edict for what it is—a murderous attempt to elevate himself as the most superior being in the land. The king then commands his officials to hang Hamann on the very gallows he prepared for Mordecai. Haman’s tragic end illustrates the biblical reality of “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18) and serves as a warning to all leaders who abuse their position to elevate themselves. When our desires for self-glory run amok, they eventually lead to our destruction.
Reflection
- As you work back through your timeline, consider this: where, when, and with whom did you experience a form of narcissistic rage? Note this on your timeline.
- Perhaps you were not the direct recipient of a narcissistic rage, but you were either a direct witness or were told of incidents of narcissistic rage that affected others in the church. Note this on your timeline. How did either witnessing or hearing of these “rages” affect you personally?
- A false shepherd filled with narcissistic rage seeks to destroy. If you experienced narcissistic rage directly, how would you describe these attempts to annihilate your personhood and character? What images or metaphors capture the felt experience of narcissistic rage? What did that experience do to you?
You can read other posts in this series here.
[1] Drescher, Anna. “Narcissistic Rage: Signs, Causes, Examples, and How to Cope.” Simple Psychology. May 5, 2023. https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-rage.html. Accessed May 26, 2023.
Pursued 