*You can read the previous post in this series here.
Because wounded sheep are repeatedly told that they are “the problem,” false guilt and over-responsibility are common experiences both during and after church trauma and abuse. False guilt is often seen in phrases that begin with if only or I should’ve: “If only I could have just explained our perspective this way” or “If I had just done _____ maybe things would have been different.” Wounded sheep may cling tightly to the idea that they could have done something to bring about a better outcome, and in taking on blame, they avoid assigning full responsibility to the false shepherds.
In the counseling setting, I work with clients to help them understand what self-blame actually “does” for them. As one client put it, “If I’m to blame, then I can fix it. I don’t feel so helpless.” Self-blame is a way to cope with the feelings of helplessness and terror in the face of evil. It’s easier to take the blame for the wrongs done by false shepherds than admit that a spiritual leader used or abused you. Admitting how vulnerable you truly are, along with your inability to do anything about it, feels harder than shouldering the blame.
It’s also common for wounded sheep to feel responsible for friends they leave behind in the unhealthy church system. They assume responsibility for helping these friends see the real nature of the false shepherds and get them out of the church. Leaving friends to experience further harm at the hands of false shepherds feels wrong and unkind. It’s difficult for wounded sheep to accept that Jesus sees those still trapped in the unhealthy church and it’s His job to rescue them.
Adapted from Paul Tripp’s Circles of Responsibility/Concern
To wounded sheep
One way to sort through the confusion of over-responsibility and false guilt is thinking through the difference between legitimate concerns vs. personal responsibilities. Concerns are opportunities to grow in trusting the Lord to bring justice. Responsibilities are things that only you can do, and your job is to carry out those responsibilities through active obedience. Counselor Paul Tripp designed an exercise utilizing two concentric circles to help a person sort through concerns and responsibilities. The outer circle represents concerns that are out of your control and not your responsibility. Those concerns might include sheep left behind in the unhealthy system, false shepherds still perpetrating harm, and friends who have rejected and turned away from you. Responsibilities include caring for your own heart wounds and relationship with the Lord, being wise in what you share and don’t share with others regarding your church experience and, if married, caring for your own family in the aftermath of church trauma. Learning to let go of your concerns and entrust them to Jesus brings relief from the weight of false guilt.
To Helpers:
One of the hardest realities for wounded sheep to accept is not everyone in the unhealthy church will see the false shepherds as false. Helping these sheep sort through their responsibilities and concerns takes patience and empathy—you may have multiple conversations about what to say and not say to friends still stuck back in the unhealthy system. You may need to remind sheep again and again that, “No, you aren’t crazy,” and “No, you aren’t to blame for the cruelty and abuse you experienced,” and “Yes, your experience really was that bad.” Persevere with gentleness and patience. As you engage oft-repeated questions, refrain from advice-giving and together look towards the only one who can rescue those stuck in oppression—Jesus.
*You can read other posts in this series here.
Pursued 